Jason Made Me a Dad Again

I write about Alex often on here.

His loss has undoubtedly changed me forever. It changed how I see the world, how I carry love, how I move through life. Alex may have made me a dad first—but Jason came along and made me a dad again.

It’s funny… when I was younger, I never thought I’d have kids. The idea of being responsible for something—or someone—other than myself felt terrifying and overwhelming. I could barely manage my own life, let alone be accountable for another human being.

And now… I can’t imagine my life without either of them.

They made me who I am.
They shaped what I am.

Alex was only six months old when we found out Jason was on his way.

Talk about panic.

I was already exhausted. Not sleeping. Trying to keep my head above water while learning how to be a parent for the first time. And suddenly, here comes Jason—another life, another responsibility, another tiny person who would depend on me for everything.

At the time, it felt overwhelming.

Looking back now, I’m so glad it worked out the way it did.

Having them close together in age was such a blessing. They played together. They were into the same things. They shared worlds. Yes, it was tiring—but it was also amazing. Watching them grow up side by side was something I didn’t fully appreciate in the moment, but I carry it with me now.

There’s something about parenting that no one really talks about.

You’re raising the people you can’t live without…
to one day live without you.

That’s the job.

To take care of them.
To teach them.
To raise them to stand on their own.

Of course, I’ll always be there when Jason needs me. That part doesn’t change.

What he doesn’t realize is how much I’ve needed him. How just his presence—his being here—has healed parts of me he has no idea are broken. Sometimes all it takes is a hug, a quiet moment, or simply crossing paths in the house for me to feel a little more whole.

Earlier this year, I saw an advertisement on Instagram for a bracelet. I thought, that’s pretty nice. Maybe he’ll like it. Maybe he won’t. I ordered it anyway.

When he opened it, he smiled and said thanks.

A few days later, we crossed paths in the kitchen and he asked if we could exchange it for a smaller size. He said he wants to wear it, but it slides down his forearm.

I’ll admit—part of me assumed it might end up on his dresser. Forgotten. Just another thing.

Then he said something I wasn’t expecting.

He told me it really means a lot to him. That he wants to wear it.

That meant more to me than I can properly explain.

Jason is a lot like me in that he doesn’t often share his emotions. And while I spill my thoughts all over this blog, I’m not someone who usually talks openly about how I’m feeling or how I’m really doing. So for him to open up like that—quietly, honestly—it meant everything.

I’ve made a lot of mistakes as a parent.

There are so many things I wish I could go back and do differently. Things I wish I’d handled better. Moments I wish I could relive with more patience or more understanding.

But I’m trying.

I’m trying to be the best dad I can be for him.

If there’s one thing I know I can do, it’s make sure he knows—every single day—that he is special, that he is amazing, and that he is loved unconditionally.

So yes, I ordered him a new bracelet in a smaller size.

And even though Alex isn’t here, I ordered one for his birthday too—because Alex is also special, amazing, and always loved unconditionally.

Both of my sons made me who I am.

And I carry them with me—always.