Today has been one of those days that’s hard to put into words—a swirl of emotions, tasks, and unexpected moments. With our trip to Hawaii just three days away, vacation prep is in full swing. At the same time, I only have two days left to finish cleaning out our old house before the buyers sign the papers. It feels like I’m standing in two worlds at once: one full of anticipation, the other heavy with memories.
The morning didn’t go as planned. While getting my bike ready for a ride, the rear wheel dropped off and the freehub came loose. After some time spent fixing it, we decided to ride indoors on the trainer instead. It wasn’t the same as being outside, but it got the job done. After the ride I started to feel the weight of missing Alex really start to sink in as I began to get ready for the rest of the day.
I had a long checklist for the day: fix the outdoor electrical receptacles at the old house, clear out the last of the junk in the garage and kitchen drawers, pack up what still needed to come with us, maybe squeeze in a haircut, and even stop by a dive shop for snorkeling gear. But before I could get to any of that, I felt pulled in another direction.
On the way to the house, I stopped at the crash site. Driving down Bryan Road, the emotions hit me like a wave, and the tears came. I pulled over, walked to the tree, and just held onto it, talking to Alex. There’s still a piece of his car lodged there that I can’t remove. As I stood there, I noticed more fragments of his car scattered on the ground—pieces I hadn’t seen before. I picked up what I could, but there were too many to carry. I left them in a small pile, promising myself I’d come back to clean it up.
The old house felt strange—empty, yet still echoing with memories. It was unsettling, but I managed to finish clearing it out. On the way to dispose of the trash, I stopped by the park and caught a bit of Liam’s soccer game. Watching him play and talking with Daren for a while was exactly what I needed. Some people have a way of healing you simply by being present, and today, Daren was that person for me.
Now, as I look ahead to Hawaii, I feel both exhausted and grateful. This trip is more than just a vacation—it’s a chance to breathe, to step away, and to find some peace. I’ll be bringing several biodegradable urns with some of Alex’s ashes. Growing up he loved the tropics, the ocean, and everything about marine life—sharks, sea turtles, the vastness of the sea. I don’t yet know exactly when or where I’ll release him, but I trust that when the moment is right, Alex will let me know.
Today was messy, emotional, and heavy—but also filled with small reminders of love, connection, and healing. And maybe that’s what life is right now: carrying the weight of loss while still finding ways to move forward.
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