Reliving the Grief of Loss, The Deep Blue Good-bye: Finding Peace in Alex’s Ocean

There is nothing, absolutely nothing, that can prepare you for releasing your child’s ashes somewhere. The weight of that final act is immense, and the responsibility to choose a place that feels right, that they would have liked, is heavy. I had decided to take some of Alex’s ashes with me to Hawaii, a beautiful, tropical resting place. For me, that place was Hawaii, and the journey to get there, and to let go, was one of the most profoundly painful and peaceful experiences of my life.

I had planned on taking some of Alex’s ashes with me to Hawaii, hoping to find a spot that felt appropriate and that he would like. Alex had never explicitly expressed an interest in going to Hawaii, so there was a part of me that was unsure if this was the right thing to do. But when I look back at some of the times when Alex seemed the happiest, truly in his element, they always seemed to involve the ocean.

Growing up, Alex wanted to be a marine biologist for the longest time and could tell you anything you wanted to know about sharks and other creatures of the deep blue sea. He loved our trip to the Clearwater Marine Aquarium and seeing Winter the dolphin from the movie Dolphin Tale. He loved our trip snorkeling with whale sharks in Mexico, scuba diving with sand tiger sharks off the coast of Wilmington, NC, and the big thing he wanted to do for his graduation… going to the Great Barrier Reef. So, while Hawaii wasn’t on his specific “bucket list,” it seemed like a fitting location to take him, given his undeniable love for the ocean and the tropics when he was younger.

I packed several biodegradable urns with his ashes and brought him along, not knowing what to expect. I had some vision in my head of our group snorkeling out on a reef and having a little ceremony honoring and releasing him, but I didn’t have any specific plans.

Every day when we went exploring the island, I brought his ashes with me, not knowing what we’d find or if the moment would feel right. Every day, I would talk to Alex and ask him to let me know when the moment, time, and location was right. But day after day on Oahu, nothing seemed to jump out and say, “This is it, this is the right place.” Kat and I left Oahu after our time there was up and headed for Maui, still having not found anywhere that just felt truly right.

Our first full day on Maui, we had a snorkel tour scheduled. We were going to look for sea turtles and then swim off the coast of Molokini at the reef. This trip had the makings of something Alex would have loved to do. Before we even left the harbor, I spoke with the crew about my intentions. They informed me of the laws preventing the releasing of ashes within two miles of the coast but said they would stop in between snorkel spots to talk about the islands. That, they said, would be our cue to have our moment with Alex and release him to the ocean.

We arrived at the first reef, eagerly looking for sea turtles, and we lucked out with several swimming just off the boat. We got in the water to swim with these amazing animals, making sure to keep our distance and respect their space. They were so amazing to see, and just instantly reminded me of the time we did the same thing when the boys were younger. The whole time I kept talking to Alex, asking him to help guide me to where the turtles were hanging out. For a moment, it felt like he and I were together again in the ocean.

We got back on the boat and began to make our way to the second snorkel location. A few miles off the coast, the boat slowed down to a stop, and the captain looked back and gave me a nod. This was it.

Kat and I each took one of the urns and made our way to the back of the boat, sitting by the side. We both took a moment, alone with our thoughts and with Alex, before gently putting the urns into the water and watching them float off. I don’t quite know how to put that experience into words. It was incredibly painful, and the wave of grief rushed over me. The harsh reality hit me that he’s gone and not coming back, and in that moment, I felt like I lost him all over again.

But there was also this profound sense of peace. Being out on the deep blue sea, having just swam with sea turtles, knowing that this is a popular spot for humpback whales in the winter and that dolphins swim here all the time… it made it feel like just the kind of location Alex would love to hang out. That didn’t make it any easier or less painful, but it brought a quiet comfort to my soul.

We made our way to the second snorkel spot off Molokini and into the water. It was a beautiful reef with a lot of fish just hanging out. I took my camera to get some photos and even had a friendly fish pose and smile for us. It was almost as if it was saying, “This is it, you did the right thing, and he’s happy.” On the way back in, we spotted several dolphins hanging around the boat, and suddenly, it just felt like the exact kind of place he would love to be.

It was a painful, gut-wrenching thing to do, a final good-bye that tore at my heart. But I trusted Alex would let me know when the time was right, and I truly believe he spoke to me through those moments, letting me know that we did alright. That in the deep blue, surrounded by the life he adored, he had found his perfect home.