One More

I don’t know what comes next.

Lately I’ve been stuck thinking about the problem of one more.

Always wanting one more.
Always needing one more.

When I first lost Alex, I wanted nothing more than to see him one more time. To look at his face one more time. To talk to him one more time. To touch him one more time.

And I did get that.

I got to see him one more time at the funeral home. I got to talk to him there. I was able to touch him one more time.

At that moment, it was what I needed.

There was some comfort in it, as painful as it was. He was there in front of me. I thought that if I could just do those things one more time, maybe it would make me feel a little better.

And it did.

For that moment, it made me feel just a little better.

But the problem is that I am always wanting one more time.

I still want to see him one more time. I still want to hear his voice one more time. I still want to talk to him. I still want to hug him. I still want one more ordinary moment that I will never get back.

And I think that need for “one more” shows up in other ways too.

I need to keep doing things that help me carry him with me. I need to honor him one more time. I needed to make the shield because it made me feel like I was still doing something for him. I needed to complete Mallorca 70.3 because it made me feel like I was continuing on for him, like I was keeping a promise.

I do these things hoping that maybe, somehow, they will feel like enough.

Maybe this will be the thing that gives me some peace.
Maybe this will be the thing that makes me feel like I honored him the right way.
Maybe this will be the thing that lets me breathe a little easier.

And sometimes they do help.

For a moment.

But the truth is, it is never enough.

There is never enough seeing his face.
Never enough hearing his voice.
Never enough honoring him.
Never enough carrying him with me.
Never enough love with nowhere physical to go.

That is the part I keep coming back to.

“One more” sounds small. It sounds like a simple wish. One more hug. One more conversation. One more chance to say what I need to say.

But one more would never be enough.

Because after that, I would want one more after that.

And then one more after that.

That is the simple truth.

When you love someone that deeply, and they are gone, one more is never enough.