The Night Everyone Came Over

I got home and saw the messages.

But I couldn’t respond.

Kat was there and said something about Daren blowing up my phone. I told her I couldn’t deal with it right now, but she could respond if she wanted.

She read the messages.

And now she knew.

The next thing I know everyone is at the house — obviously concerned.

I heard what you would expect:

“You can’t do this.”
“You have so much to live for.”
“You owe it to Jason.”
“You owe it to us.”
“You owe it to Alex.”

It was all said out of love.
I understand why they said it.

But in that moment the last thing I needed was to owe anyone anything.

I didn’t need more pressure.

I was already drowning.

And even though their words were love, they landed like extra weight while I was already struggling to keep my head above water.

And worse — everyone had dropped everything because of me.

I felt like a burden.

And that’s the last thing I ever want to be.

So I told them what they needed to hear.

I’m okay.
I’ll be alright.
I’m not going anywhere.

I looked Daren in the eye and lied when he asked if I would call or text him if I was struggling again.

Yes.
I’ll call.
I’ll text.

Meanwhile in my head I thought:

I will not tell anyone again if I’m having these thoughts.
I will not be a burden to anyone or have anyone worry like this again.

It’s a terrible place to be — the place where you’re in pain, and then guilt stacks on top of pain because other people love you.