Drowning (And the Moment It Clicked)

Later that night Kat and I sat on the couch.

She was clearly shaken — she couldn’t bear the thought of losing me.

And I had to explain something that people don’t understand unless they’ve been there:

This wasn’t about how much I love her.
Or Daren.
Or Jeremy.
Or anyone else.

Hell — Jason was down the hall.

And even that wasn’t enough reason to magically make me okay.

Because when you’re drowning, love isn’t always enough to pull you out.

It isn’t about how much you care or how much people care about you.

It’s about not being able to breathe.

And that’s when it clicked.

That’s when I think I finally understood what Alex may have been going through.

All this time I wondered:
Did he know I loved him?
Did he know how much I would’ve done for him?
Did he know he mattered?

And the truth is… he probably did.

But it wasn’t about that.

It was about pain.
It was about overwhelm.
It was about not being able to keep swimming.

That night I promised Kat I would be here when she went to bed and I would be here when she woke up.

But I told her I needed to go lay down with Alex for a bit.

And talk to him.

It was that night I think I finally understood him in a way I wasn’t capable of before.