What I Don’t Question Anymore

After that, the regrets became even sharper.

Because now I understood something I didn’t understand before.

When Alex told me he couldn’t sleep — we tried melatonin. We went to the doctor. We got him a new bed because his other one was too soft.

None of that was the reason he couldn’t sleep.

It wasn’t comfort.

It was his mind.

It was the noise he couldn’t turn off.

And I look back now and wonder about everything I missed. Every sign. Every moment that was actually a warning I didn’t recognize as one.

I wonder how many ways I added pressure without realizing it.

How many moments I didn’t listen the way he needed.

How many times I tried to fix things instead of sitting with him in them.

I don’t know what I would do differently if I could go back.

I just know I would do anything to go back.

I have apologized to Alex constantly for the last ten months.

And I will continue to do that.

I believe he heard me.

I believe it was him the day I broke down in the shower. I believe it was his voice talking to me as I cried out to him how sorry I was.

I believe it was him telling me:

It’s not your fault.
You did the best you could with the information you had.
And… you know I wouldn’t talk.

And what hit me is that those are the same things I would tell Kat, or Daren, or Jeremy — or anyone else who doubted themselves, who wondered if they did enough.

I finally understood it.

It doesn’t make it easier.

I still carry blame.
I still carry regret.

But one thing I don’t question anymore is this:

Did Alex know how much I loved him?

Yes.

Without question.

That bond will never be broken.

The love will never get lost.